THE WEEKLY DIRECTIONER: Harry’s mystery ex, Niall’s lack of sex, and an instrument beginning with X

Wow, time flies in the land of One Direction, eh? In last week’s first installment of The Weekly Directioner we told you how Niall is apparently the most popular member of the group with US fans, that Harry’s poor mum has been the victim of Twitter abuse and that Louis is occasionally woken up by a certain bandmate’s penis. Click here if you missed it.

A lot more has happened over the last seven days, so here’s your essential update on the comings-and-goings of 1D land. Bit of a quiet week for Zayn, right?

White House invitation turned down, Liam rates Michelle Obama 11/10
The group have been forced to turn down an invitation to hit the White House for an Easter Egg Hunt due to prior commitments in Australia. According to The Guardian, Liam gave Michelle Obama an 11/10, saying: ”[Michelle] is a very classy woman, very elegant,” while Harry added that he had “too much respect for Barack” to comment.

The boys call for Bruno Mars collaboration
At the Kids’ Choice Awards last week the band revealed that their dream collab would be with ‘Grenade’ hitmaker Bruno Mars. ”If we could work with anyone in the world, I think we’d pick Bruno Mars,” Harry told E!. “He’s just incredible. He’s got the voice. And he’s a great performer.” And if that doesn’t work out, Louis joked that they could happily settle for… “Susan Boyle”.

Harry to visit “mystery former lover”?!
Now that the tabloids seem to have grown tired of talking about Harry’s brief fling with Caroline Flack, a new “mystery woman” appears to be of interest. A source tells the Daily Star that he will be visiting the family of an old flame when the group visit New Zealand. The so-called insider said: “‘He still carries a flame for her. It’s a secret trip and the lads in the band have agreed to go, too.” Who is this lady?!

Demi Lovato calls Niall “adorable”, fans speculate on potential romance
Teen queen Demi Lovato has singled out Niall as her favourite member of the group, calling him “adorable”. The former Sonny With A Chance star is in the UK at the moment to promote her new album Unbroken, and is alleged by HollywoodLife to have called him her “celebrity crush”. And what does Niall have to say to that? “She’s of a similar age, she seems to be a nice girl.” GET IN THERE NIALLER.

Songwriters battle for second album
SyCo’s eyes are already on the follow-up to Up All Night, and hitmakers are lining up out the door to pen tracks for the surefire smash record. The Independent reports that Scandanavia is the current geographical hotspot, seeing as Carl Falk and Rami Yacoub, who wrote ‘What Makes You Beautiful’, are Swedish. They are already working on new 1D songs with no less than Max Martin and Kristian Lundin, the Stockholm double-act behind some of Britney Spears’ biggest hits. Dee Demirbag, who works with BMG in Scandinavia, said: “Breaking a boy band in the US is about as big as it gets in the music industry, so you can imagine the competition to get cuts on the next One Direction album is immense.”

Louis tricks fans with dad joke on April Fools’ Day
Louis Tomlinson convinced many fans that he is expecting his first child on April Fools’ Day. “Can’t believe I’m going to be a Dad! Wow!!”, he tweeted. And the expectant mother? Harry, of course. The official X Factor UK Twitter account posted: ”We can confirm that Harry Styles IS pregnant. If it’s a girl he’s calling it Anne. If it’s a boy, Juan Direction Styles. #HarrysPregnant.” It’s a tongue-in-cheek reference to the gay rumours surrounding the pair.

Is Harry going bald?
Harry’s hair is almost as famous as he is, but the 18-year-old is apparently worried he’s going to lose it in the very near future. He told The Sun: “I am a little concerned I might go bald soon. It worries me it might fall out. I am just watching how much I put on it now.” Do you reckon Harry could pull off the hairless look? Hmm, we’re not too sure on that one…

Niall “raging” at US sex ban
Niall may be the alleged Most Popular Directioner with North American fans, but record label bosses have allegedly banned him from any kind of sexual activity. A source claiming to be close to the Irish singer told The Sun: “He’s raging about it — all the lads are. Four of them are single and they’ve been told to stay that way as it appeals to their American teen fans. Niall is fighting off the women with his Irish accent and good looks so he’s having to live like a monk.” But the insider insists: “Quite simply a sex scandal over there would be the end of the band.”

Britain’s Got Talent xylophone player impresses the boys
The band are impressed with Britain’s Got Talent contestant Ashley Elliot who played ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ on a xylophone at the weekend. Britain’s Got More Talent host Stephen Mulhern put in a call to Harry, asking: “Just a quickie, do you need a xylophone player for the group?” He replied: “Do you know what, we were actually having this exact conversation the other day. We think that’s the problem, the missing link.”

Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez dance to ‘What Makes You Beautiful’
Aaaaaand finally, check out this cute video of Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez going nuts to the boys’ performance at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards. Stay with it right until the end to see them get down:

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